As I walked in I decided to leave the lights off, it was
better that way. It was so dark. The only light came from the crescent moon, illuminating
my entire living room and engulfing it in shadows. There was a deathly silence
all I heard was the chime of the clock, “tick, tock, tick, tock.” As I sat down
on my oversize brown leather chair, crackling with every movement I made, all I
could think was “that I had done it.” “I had gotten away with it.” Yet, I still
had this awful feeling, a lurching, sinking, butterfly movement at the pit of
my stomach. That’s when I knew something was wrong. I don’t know how or when
but it was going to happen. It was not done.
I
took out a cigar, to ease my nerves. As I tried to light it, my hands began to
shake violently. I took out a handkerchief to wipe my brow. I could feel the
sweat pouring down, like droplets of water running silently down my face. I
look down and I notice that the handkerchief is red…..blood red.
Was
this a sign? It had to be. Suddenly there’s a loud bang against my window, I
jump. I realize that it has begun to rain. As I try to calm my nerves, all I
hear is the roar of the rain, hurling violently, a sign that something bad was
coming. As I sit there, drenched in sweat with my hands grasping the arms of
the chair with such force that my knuckles are turning white. All I could do
was wait. As I look around, I see bars running across the walls, making me feel
trap. I hear a sound. I turn, and there I saw it. A dark long shadow, engulf in
shadows sliding towards me. An evil glow reflected on its eyes, that sinister
smile spread across its face. “It was as if death itself was coming for me.” As
I open my mouth to speak, it comes into view.
I
felt a rush of relief. Who was I kidding everything was fine. But as it turns I
see the glistening of shiny metal mirrored, straight at me. I gasp, “How could
I be so foolish.” Then I hear it. That loud pop, the same sound a Chinese
firecracker makes when it goes off. I feel heavy, I feel as if I am being
dragged. All around me I see the lifeless faces of those I killed. As my eyes
close for the last time, all I hear is a booming, high pitch, ferocious,
sinister laugh. It had won.
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ReplyDeleteWow, Very Nice even with it as short as it was I defiantly felt a number of Film Noir Elements, but not only the suspense, but his tireless fear of something about to happen. I especially felt the gloom and the darkness of the shadows with the descriptive wording for the reflection in the mirror and the event unfolding before the raveling of such. Just as the Protagonist thought he was safe from his encounter in the mirror, the real terror was indeed behind him ready with a single pull of the trigger that made the "Chinese Firecracker" sound. However it left me wondering what the assumed Protagonist had done to earn such a horrific fate. Well done, I liked it and I Just finished reading Double Indemnity and I find myself looking for more things to read such as yours.
ReplyDeleteIgnore my fail spelling in my 1st comment it was so bad I had to delete it :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Shaun, you did a very good job on this. You used good descriptive words, and I felt like I could have been there in the corner of the room. I like that you used so many shadows, especially the bars across the wall and your subjects increased sense of doom when they noticed it. I do have to echo Shauns question though, who is your protagonist, and what did they do? They obviously feel bad for it, and I can guess from reading the whole entry that they killed someone, but who? How many?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, excellent job. I think you grasp the idea of Noir very well.
So when are you going to release the book I'm intrigued now i want to know who is he ? what did he do?. i love they way you described everything for a second i felt that i was the one sitting in that oversize brown leather chair, everything is so detailed that I pictured everything so perfect neat and also the darkness in it it is like if i was looking at the last scene of a film that has all the Noir characteristics, In this little story you already had me on edge if you were to write a book i would certainly buy it this is an excellent piece of noir work .
ReplyDeleteI wish I would of known if it was a women or a man and what he or she had done. Besides that, I love all the adjectives you use to describe everything around that person and every movement he or she makes. When I read "I sat down on my oversize brown leather chair" I thought about him or her as being small and scared and that's exactly what it emphasized by saying that. I was into it from the beginning to the end. I enjoyed it.
ReplyDelete